When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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