I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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