I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize