the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
