I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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