I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I have peed in a lot of sinks
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
