We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
