Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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