Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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