im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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