Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
