walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Vodka?
Forever.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
