You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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