I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
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He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
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Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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