Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
