dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
