i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
