8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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