Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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