While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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