my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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