why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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