He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
