Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
