More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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