well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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