Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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