Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
