my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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