SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
