Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
