So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
