If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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