just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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