If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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