never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
