i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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