I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Farmville is her only friend.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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