My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
did i walk over a car last night?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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