stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
