I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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