woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I need to align my fucking chakras
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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