I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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