Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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