my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Randomize
