6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have peed in a lot of sinks
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
