cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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