woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
