I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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