What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you