I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
don't judge my taste in strippers
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.