smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
There's always time for handjobs
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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