He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Found the puke drawer
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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