just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
