Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
