there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I need to calm my uterus...
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
