I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
