I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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