ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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