you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
