totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
