Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Success! We fucked roommates!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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